Letting Go
by Samwysesr
Summary: Rose always knew there was a chance that Lissa would go insane, but when it finally happens and she has to face the truth—that her best friend is gone forever—will she be able to let go of the past and move on? Strong language Trigger warning: Mild self harm Trigger warning: Insanity Rating changed to M because Romitri got frisky.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N—** How this story came to be: My role play partner and I wanted to do a crossover verse, placing Rose and Dimitri in the _Bitten_ universe _(from Kelley Armstrong's Women of the Underworld series)_, but the problem was we weren't sure how to free them of the things that bound them to life at court. Rose would never willingly leave Lissa—and Dimitri would feel the same way about Christian, so we had to find a plausible occurrence that would free them of their duty without bending the characters personalities or breaking with book canon. I thought about it a bit and realized the answer was a simple one—if Lissa lost her mind, then I could manipulate things in a way so that Romitri would be free. 13,196 words later, this back story was finished. I've broken it up into individual chapters for those who don't like reading long pieces in one fell swoop.

Warning: it is unedited because I generally double the length during my editing process, and by the time I was finished I was mentally exhausted from having a panicked Rose Hathaway staking my brain. ;o)

* * *

It had been over six months since the last time my best friend recognized me. For all intents and purposes, Vasilisa Dragomir, the much loved and revered Queen of Moroi society… was gone. I didn't want to face it—I stubbornly refused to accept the truth, even when it was staring me in the face with unfocused green eyes and an expression of insanity replacing the sweet, serene smile that she normally used to wear. She'd pushed herself too hard, determined to do her best for her people, and as a result, my best friend had completely lost her mind.

I hadn't been able to help her; without telling anyone she'd gone off her meds—again—and had been using Spirit behind our backs. If I'd known… I would have found a way to stop her. I would have begged and screamed and done whatever it took to make her face the truth; without the bond between us it was just too dangerous for her to use her element. I thought she understood that… I really believed that she had finally accepted it.

I'd never been more wrong in my life, and that single mistake cost me two of my best friends—I lost them both in one fell fucking swoop.

I was almost asleep when my phone rang—we'd delivered Liss and Christian to their room a few hours before and were off duty for the night, leaving them in the care of the two members of the Royal Guard who were stationed outside the door. I've replayed that night over again and again in my head, trying to unearth some small, subtle clue that Lissa might have given indicating that she was feeling… off… but the answer always remains the same. There was none. She'd been happy and giggling, excited at the prospect of visiting Jill; nothing about her had seemed unusual at all. But it had to have been. It had to have been there all along, lurking beneath the surface like a shark beneath the waves, waiting for her to be alone so it could finally break free—and I'd missed it entirely.

If it hadn't been for the caller ID, I wouldn't have known it was Christian on the other end of the phone; his voice was weak and…almost broken, telling me I needed to come immediately, but not to raise the alarm. I didn't realize it at the time, but he was trying to protect her, even after the things she had done to the Royal guard—and to him. I thought that maybe they'd had a fight and he wanted me there to act as a buffer, or that Lissa was feeling depressed and needed me there to offer support. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that I'd find the room drenched in blood, with two members of the Royal Guard lying dead and mutilated just inside the door, or that Christian would be crumpled and broken, surrounded by a ring of fire that was growing weaker with each second that passed. It was his last ditch attempt to protect himself from the woman he loved; she was pacing around it's perimeter with a look of hatred in her eyes. As soon as we entered she attacked, lunging at me with the stake she'd taken off one of the guards. While Dimitri tended Christian, I did my best to distract her, trying not to hurt her as I disarmed her and wrestled her to the ground.

He'd thought I'd be able to bring her back—but I couldn't. She didn't listen to a word I said, too busy screaming out hurtful, hateful things at me—in an attempt, I suppose, to catch me off guard so she could wiggle free. I could hear Christian whispering to Dimitri but there was no way I could focus long enough to catch what he was saying; keeping Lissa pinned was harder than I'd ever imagined it could be; she had the strength of a wild animal, and in a way, I suppose that's exactly what she was. She was completely lost inside her madness, with one solitary thought on her mind—to fight her way free and finish what she'd started before Dimitri and I had walked in.

I'd learn later what had passed between the two men—Christian had told Dimitri what happened, hoping we could use it to fabricate a lie convincing enough to cover for Lissa and keep the scandal at bay. He'd been asleep when it started, but the Guards screams had alerted him. Liss had unleashed the full force of Spirit on them, just like she'd done to Jesse and the others back at Saint Vlad's. While they were screaming and clawing at their eyes, she'd latched onto a stake, stabbing them over and over again, laughing gleefully all the while. He'd tried to stop her, I guess thinking he was safe, but Lissa had turned and attacked him too. Free of her compulsion, he was able to fight back; she'd tried to go for a killing blow, but he'd been too quick for her, the blow deflecting off his sternum instead of piercing her heart. The fire had managed to keep her at bay long enough for us to get there; even in the grip of madness, she'd retained enough sense not to harm herself… at first.

Dimitri's eyes locked with mine and a sharp pain lanced through my heart; in that moment, I knew exactly what he was thinking, and from the torn expression on his face, I could tell that the realization of what we _had _ to do was destroying him just as much as it did me. Christian needed medical help, and he had to have it soon; there was no way we could keep what had happened here a secret, no matter how much we might want to. The Queen had slaughtered two Royal Guards and almost killed her consort. Even as I nodded my head to show him I understood, my heart was shattering in a million tiny pieces, because I'd failed her. I should have been there to stop this—if I had been maybe I could have pulled her back before the Darkness gained so much strength. This was the one thing she'd truly feared—the thing I'd promised her I'd never let happen—and I hadn't been here to help her when she needed me the most.

We didn't expect Lissa to attack Christian again—I mean, I had her fucking pinned, and she seemed to be calming down, but we underestimated her—or rather, underestimated what she'd _become_. Christian was still in her line of vision, and all it took was one worried glance in her direction for Lissa to capture him with her gaze. I don't know for sure what she showed him, but if I had to hazard a guess I probably could; from past experience she'd shown our fellow students their worst fears—and judging by the way Christian screamed for his parents—and the way he acted after the fact—it's a pretty safe bet that she did the same thing to him too. Even after I managed to turn her head aside, he still continued to scream out in terror, so I knew she was still wreaking havoc with his head, even though the gaze had been broken. I had to stop her from hurting him, and there was only one thing I could do—though it went against everything inside me to do it. As her head smashed against the marble floor and she went limp, something inside me broke. In that moment I knew there was no going back, and that no matter what happened, things would never, ever be the same again.


	2. Chapter 2

At first, they tried to treat Lissa with the respect and deference she deserved as queen. The room she was in may have been a prison, but it was fancy and plush, filled with everything they imagined she might need. Ten minutes after the door locked behind her she flew into a black rage, trashing it in record time, then she turned her fury on herself. Sonya tried to console me, saying any scars Liss gave herself could be healed away once she regained her mind—but it was an empty promise, and I knew it. I remembered the feeling of losing all control as the insanity consumed everything I was and ever hoped to be; I almost hadn't been able to find myself again once it took me over—and that was just from the darkness I'd syphoned off second hand. What had claimed my best friend was a hundred times stronger, and it wasn't going to let her go; listening to her furious ramblings and watching as she gnawed at the restraints they'd been forced to use on her erased any hopes I might have that the Lissa I knew and loved would ever find her way back to me.

Christian's madness wasn't quite as bad, though they learned pretty damned fast that they couldn't trust him with feeders. The first time they brought him one he almost drained her dry, then he'd attacked the guardian who'd tried to intercede. It's not his fault, though no one seems to believe it. I suppose it's easier for them to believe that he's a bad seed, just like his parents rather than to acknowledge that someone as loving and kind as Lissa was had warped his mind for good. Maybe they were all just scared of the fact that her compulsion is so powerful it can create an image that can't be broken, even when you expose the lie she planted in the bright, noon day sun. When Dimitri and I led him out to the garden in the middle of the afternoon to prove it was safe, he'd panicked, screaming about burning to ash and began struggling so manically that we'd had to rush back inside. He's convinced his parents Awakened him all those years ago and that they'll return to save him soon. He spends his days locked in a tiny dark room, mumbling about how he and his family are going to drain the world dry.

It didn't take long for the news of Lissa's insanity to spread throughout the court. Chaos broke out as all the Royals began arguing, each family insisting what _their_ line was the closest to the Dragomirs so they should 'hold the throne' until the Queen was able to rule. For the first time in our recorded history, we had a Monarch that was incapable of fulfilling their duty; normally an election would decide who would succeed her, but in this case our Queen wasn't dead and she hadn't stepped down. Far from it—even lost in the maze of darkness she was demanding to be set free, threatening to have anyone and everyone involved with her captivity charged with high treason and executed for their crimes. Every single member of the Royal council was at a loss, unsure of how they should proceed—and that was when my father made his move, stepping up with a smug smile on his face as he offered them a suggestion that the idiots latched on to almost immediately. Someone probably should have spoken up and warned them that when the sole voice of reason comes from Zmey, it's a pretty sure thing that everyone involved is about to get screwed.

Granted, what he said _did_ make sense; Lissa was an intelligent, practical woman and knew that in all likelihood a day might come when she'd be unable to rule. So he was right—she probably _would_ have left some kind of written instruction on how they should proceed if it ever came to be. But there was a gleam in his eye as he spoke that I didn't trust. He was up to something, I just didn't know what. It wasn't until they broke open the safe in Lissa's office and produced the document in question that I understood exactly why he seemed so pleased

To say Lissa and Abe had grown extremely close since her ascension to the throne would have been a pretty big understatement; he was one of the few people she trusted, not just with her safety, but with her sister's too. A few months after Sonya's wedding, Liss had gone so far as to name him her 'Advisor'—an act that had caused quite an uproar at the time because the Royals weren't pleased to see a non-Royal attain such a high ranking position… especially not one as infamous as Zmey. She'd ignored their protests, citing archaic laws that granted her the right to choose whom her advisor should be—and because she was absolutely right, it shut them up. I should have known then and there that something was up. I should have questioned her more, or asked what it was they whispered about in the closed door meetings I was forbidden to attend. I'd known my father was power hungry—what I hadn't known was that he wanted to rule, or that Lissa—my _best friend_—for whatever misguided reason, would take precautions to insure that was exactly what he would do .

The announcement that the Queen had named Ibrahim Mazur—_a non-Royal—_to rule in her name caused an uproar. The validity of the document was questioned, with the Zeklos family outright accusing Abe of forging the signature of the person who'd witnessed the document. They should have realized he would be ready for their accusations. It took him only minutes to produce that very same witness from the guest quarters he'd stashed her in. His private jet had been dispatched to collect her the moment he'd learned of Lissa's impairment, his guardians sneaking her into court and hiding her away until he was ready to make his move. Without having to say a word, Ekaterina Zeklos—the former Queen who had crowned Lissa—stared the council down, not speaking until the room was so silent you could have heard a pin drop.

"That is my signature. I spoke in depth with the Queen before signing, and I wouldn't have witnessed the document if I hadn't been satisfied the reasoning behind her decision was sound. Ibrahim Mazur will hold Her Majesty's council seat and rule in absentia until such a time as she is fit to reclaim her rightful place. Furthermore… any who question the decision made by the Queen when she was of sound mind will be deemed guilty of treason and shall be punished accordingly." The old woman's voice was firm and sure, leaving no room for doubt as she continued. "At Mr. Mazur's request I have come out of retirement and will serve in the capacity of his Advisor, insuring that he has someone at hand to aide him in governing in the manner Vasilisa would want. I would hope that none of you would dare insinuate that _I'm _not fit to fulfill that duty?"

Abe had staged a coup, and there wasn't a damn thing they could do about it. They knew it too—you could tell by the shell-shocked looks of their faces. The Guardians would follow the letter of the law—and in this case the law was in the form of the instructions Liss had left for how things should proceed; having Ekaterina—a powerful and beloved former queen—come out of retirement to stand at his side and show her support just cemented the deal. On top of the Guardians, Zmey employed a small army of unpromised dhampirs—so even if the Royals had the balls to protest, he'd stamp out any riot they tried to start before it even began. Not that they would dream of it; they knew that he could ruin them without even batting an eye. He knew all their dirty little secrets—information was his favorite commodity—and he wouldn't hesitate to air their dirty laundry, which would probably result in the entire council being thrown out on their collective asses. The only reason he hadn't done it immediately was that he liked to play games; he held all the trump cards in his hand and had been waiting to lay them down. They were all afraid of him, and as far as I was concerned they had damned good reason to be—hell, he even scares me, and I'm his flesh and blood.

I stood against the wall, listening to him promise to abide by all the rules and regulations that were required of a council member, my lips curled up in a smirk; it was obvious that they were just playing along, trying to beat him at his own game. They'd gang up and try to outvote him every chance they got—and he'd play along for a while, but in the end he would prevail. It would only be a matter of time before he made his next move, and there wasn't a doubt in my mind what it would be. One by one he would replace single person that was currently sitting at the table, promoting the members from each family who owed him a debt—and in the end, the entire Royal council would be under his control.

If I didn't know how much he truly cared about Lissa I might have suspected his motives, but I knew out of all the people who might have taken her place, he would never plan and scheme to get her out of the way. With any of the Royals, that would have been a very real danger—it would be far too easy for a trapped, insane girl to meet with an unfortunate accident. Abe would never do that—because in his own, strange way he felt he owed Lissa's dead faamily a debt for taking care of me when I was young. My father may be a notorious, ruthless mobster, but he has his own unique set of morals, and that was one line he would never, ever cross. He may have stacked the deck so he could rule—but he'd do it the way _Lissa_ would want him to—and if she ever regained her sanity, he'd hand over her throne without hesitation.

His first order of business—much to my surprise—was to pull me aside after the meeting for a 'talk'. I'd been on my way to see Lissa—or more accurately, to station myself outside her room; I wasn't allowed inside since the sight of me drove her into one of her ever increasing fits of rage. It was almost like the moment the darkness took hold of her, all the love and affection she'd felt for me since childhood had transformed into a black hatred that wouldn't go away. The few times I'd been in to see her she'd come unhinged, hissing and spitting as she tried to get to me; when she couldn't get free of the restraints she'd turned to shredding her bottom lip with her fangs and clawing at any parts of her own body that were within her reach. After that… I listened when the doctors said stay away, but I just couldn't leave her unguarded.

"You need to take a break Kiz—you look like hell. When was the last time you slept?"

One thing about Abe—he didn't pull any punches. "I'm fine."

"That crap may work on your mother Rosemarie but it's not going to fly with me. Answer the question—when was the last time you slept…_really _ slept?"

The truth was that it had been the night before Lissa's breakdown, but there was no way in hell I was going to admit it. Since then I'd been making do with a few naps throughout the day, catching a couple hours sleep when my body gave out on me. "I sleep just fine old man, don't worry about me. What in the hell was all that about?" I jerked my head back towards the council chamber, scowling up at him in irritation. "Why didn't you or Liss bother to let me in on your little scheme?"

His dark eyes narrowed at my attempt to change the subject, but he let it go—for the time being. "There is no _scheme_. I'm doing the same thing for Vasilisa that Eric did for you—looking out for her when she needs it. You're not stupid Rose—do you really think those jackals would give her back the crown? They'd use her… breakdown… as proof that she was unfit, so they could keep ruling on her behalf, locking her up and throwing away the key. The Conta's have already been whispering about shipping her off to Tarasov or to Dyepozitariy."

"Over my dead body! She's the Queen for fucks sake—not a damn criminal! I'll take her away… we can knock her out with something and I'll—"

"Calm down—she's not going anywhere. She knew they might try something like this—which is why she put me in charge." He nodded at someone, then grimaced as soon as they passed, muttering under his breath about how worthless the Royals were. "Not that it's any _real_ power… it's one vote on the council against all the rest. But I'll fix that in due time."

His words calmed me, but not much. The thought of Lissa rotting away in the sealed wings of that horrible, dark prison chilled me to the bone. "If it's only one vote, how can you stop them? I mean, I already figured you'd replace the others—like you said, I'm not stupid…but what if they try and do it before you control the vote?"

"Then I'll break her out and hide her until it's safe—the same way I did with you. Or tried to do, at least. Hopefully if it comes to that she won't go rogue the way you did." He reached out, cupping my cheek with his palm, his eyes intent as he studied my face. Whatever he saw there creased his brow with worry. "Seriously Rose—I want you to go home and take something that will help you sleep. For the next few days I want you to take a break—I don't want to see you lurking outside her room. I promise I'll have someone on guard at all times watching over her."

I opened my mouth to argue, but he cut me off, effectively silencing my protest in the one way that would guarantee I had to do what he'd asked.

"That's an order. Not from your father, but from the man who speaks for the Queen. I control all her interests, including her Guardian, so if you disobey me, you are in effect disobeying her."

Shit.

He'd manipulated me into a position I couldn't avoid, and he'd done it without me catching on until it was too late. Smiling smugly, he leaned forward to press his lips against my forehead then steered me out the door. Internally I was fuming; sure, technically he was right, but Lissa was more than just my charge. She was my best friend… my sister. Even if she didn't want me around, I _needed_ to be there with her. There was a chance something might happen and the _real _ Lissa might break through, and if it happened, I needed to be there to help her find her way back into the light. For a minute I toyed with the idea of disobeying him and heading for the room they were holding her in, but there wasn't a doubt in my mind he'd already informed his guards I was supposed to stay away—and I knew they'd use bodily force to comply, if necessary. A scuffle outside her room would just serve to agitate her more.

I'm pretty sure that people probably thought I was just as crazy as Liss by the way I was arguing with myself as I stalked off toward the apartment Dimitri and I shared. I wasn't, I was just practicing what I'd say to Abe the next time he bossed me around. He could claim he was trying to do what was best for me all he wanted, but the truth of the matter was he _still_ didn't have a damned clue about who I was. If he actually thought I'd be able to kick back and relax while someone I loved was suffering then he hadn't been paying attention to a single thing about me from the time he'd entered my life back in Russia.

The thought of Russia and meeting Abe on my hunt for Dimitri stopped me in my tracks. Back then I'd felt pretty much all the same things I was feeling right now—I'd been morning the loss of someone I loved, feeling frustrated and hopeless that I'd never find him and set him free. It was the darkest period of my life—and only one thing had eased the all-consuming ache that had radiated through me every minute of the day. Admittedly the relief it gave was temporary; the hurting came back far too soon, but for brief periods of time it had kept the pain at bay, requiring me to focus on something other than the way I'd felt.

Altering my course, I headed for the large, sprawling building that housed what we all referred to as the Guardians HQ; I stalked through the halls ignoring everyone I passed, not stopping until I reached Hans Croft's door. I didn't knock—not that he'd expect me to. Normally the irritated look he shot me would have made my day, but I didn't have time for petty gloating, though baiting Hans was generally one of my favorite things to do.

"There's a raid coming up in the next few days, right?"

"It's customary to knock, Hathaway."

Huh. Maybe he did expect it. He really should have known better. "Whatever—when is it?"

He studied me a minute before sighing, obviously realizing that I wasn't going along with whatever lesson in office etiquette he'd been wanting to spew. "Tomorrow at dawn. Why?"

My lips curled up in a dangerous grin at the news. It was just what I'd been hoping to hear. Leaning across his desk, I stared him straight in the eye, my smile widening just a little as he flinched back, out of reach. "I want in."


	3. Chapter 3

Hans tried to talk me out of it; he cited procedures and the intense training the squad had undergone, then he pointed out that mentally with what had been going on I was hardly in any shape to go out on a hunt. He didn't realize was that I'd done just that… hunted Strigoi in a much more unsafe manner and I'd been in a hell of a lot wore mental and emotional state at the time. His last ditch effort to dissuade me was to call in Dimitri, probably hoping that my boyfriend would be able to talk some sense into me. Unfortunately for Hans, Dimitri didn't even try. He took one look at my face then turned to Hans, politely asking to be added to the roster, then added that he should make note that we'd be partners on the raid.

It was the first of many. Over the next few months we went on every single raid that left court, bagging more Strigoi between the two of us than the rest of the team combined. Together we were unstoppable, but that wasn't news to me. The fact we fought like separate parts of a single entity was one of the reasons Dimitri had been so determined to Awaken me when he'd been in Russia. Each raid brought the sweet blessed relief I'd craved, wiping my mind clear of the problem with Lissa for the duration of the hunt. As soon as we were back at court, however, the heavy depression returned; at times it got so bad I tried to sneak out and hunt on my own—but Dimitri caught me every single time. Still, the raids provided the distraction I'd needed, but I knew deep down that eventually Abe would catch on and there would be hell to pay.

We'd just returned from our latest raid, exhausted and wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep when he called, demanding to see us as soon as his council meeting was dismissed; I rambled off excuses about where we'd been, but he stopped me almost as soon as I began, saying it wasn't about the raids at all. There was something in his voice… it practically radiated tension and anger; whatever it was he had to say, I knew it wouldn't be good. There would be no point in even trying to sleep—not until we knew what he wanted—so we stationed ourselves outside the council chamber, waiting—impatiently in my case—for them to adjourn. One look at his face as he exited the room confirmed my suspicions—Zmey was pissed off to the point he was practically shaking. The fact he was letting his anger _show_ meant it had to be pretty damned serious; normally he was like Dimitri, cool and unflappable, no matter how bad a situation might be.

"Wait until we're alone," he hissed softly as I pushed away from the wall, anticipating the barrage of questions I had ready to hurl his way.

"What? Bullshit! You summoned us here so you can damn well—"

He muttered something under his breath that I couldn't catch, grabbing my arm so roughly that Dimitri tensed, moving closer to my side. "If you value Vasilisa's life you will keep your mouth shut until I say it's safe to talk Rosemarie Mazur Hathaway. When we get to my house—then we'll talk. Not a moment sooner."

"My name is Rose Hathaway," I hissed back, jerking my arm free and glaring at her. "You never gave me your name—you abandoned me, remember?" I wanted to say more but Lissa's safety was far more important than my anger. "You better walk fast, old man. I'm pretty close to snapping."

He ignored me, heading for his house at a pace that made it difficult for me to keep up without jogging. I wasn't short by any means—not like my mother—but he and Dimitri were a hell of a lot taller and had much longer legs. I was tempted to break out in a sprint just to beat him to the door, but since we were trying to look inconspicuous, I managed to keep myself in check. If I'd known he was going to screw around once we got to the house, I might not have refrained.

He didn't speak when we entered, just headed into his ridiculously lavish study and immediately got on the phone. I couldn't understand the orders he was barking into the receiver in Turkish, but I did understand the names he mentioned, which only increased my confusion. Glancing over at Dimitri cranked my concern up another notch; his normally stoic guardian mask had been replaced with a look of horror. I reached over and touched his arm, but he shook me off, holding his finger to his lips and nodding in Abe's direction. My father had slipped up—Dimitri could understand him even if I couldn't, maybe not every word, but enough to follow the conversation. Somehow, realizing that calmed me down—just a little. Knowing that Abe wouldn't be able to manipulate us with half-truths gave me the patience I needed to wait until he finished with his call.

"I'm not going to sugar coat it—but what I'm about to say stays in this room. You cannot discuss it outside these four walls, Rose, because it's the only spot in Court that I'm positive isn't bugged." He glanced over at me before crossing to the bar that sat against the far wall, pouring us all a drink. My eyes widened as I accepted mine; I didn't drink it, just set it down on the desk—I had a feeling I'd need a clear head for whatever he was about to say. "Vasilisa… Adrian… Sonya… they're all in danger. Oksana too. The council is trying to pass a law that will require all spirit users to live in a… contained environment for the safety of our Society. A pretty word for something that amounts to a prison, don't you think?"

He drained his glass, pouring another, holding up his hand to silence us. "They're all scared—they knew Spirit was a powerful, dangerous element, but having the Queen snap and kill two highly trained, experienced guardians opened their eyes to exactly how bad things can be when a Spirit user loses control. They're playing on the fact it could mean exposure to humanity which would lead to the extinction of the Moroi race."

"They can't do that!" Out of all the things I'd expected to hear, this wasn't one of them. The very idea was disgusting. It's like—"

"What the Nazi's did," Dimitri interjected softly, rubbing his brow as he leaned against the desk. "And it will end the same way. They will end up killing them all and claiming it is for the greater good. We can't allow this Ibrahim. These people are our friends—they are good, decent people. They don't deserve to be treated like this because of their element."

"I'm trying to stop them, but it's going to take time. I've arranged to have Vasilisa moved—Adrian and Sonya as well. I'll be calling Mark in a moment and giving him directions to the location that my people are preparing to keep them safe." Abe's dark eyes focused on Dimitri, his voice holding a note of warning, "A location that can contain Vasilisa without chance of her breaking free—and the others as well if they lose themselves. Where Sonya and Adrian and Oksana can try and find a way to bring Lissa back if at all possible without fear of being located."

Something passed between them—Dimitri visible flinched at the words, though I didn't know why. I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact the Royals thought that locking up anyone who could use Spirit was a plausible idea. "But even if they manage to restore her mind… it still wouldn't be safe for her to come back."

"Rose—it's a longshot they can help her, you have to realize that. But _if _ they can, it will take a while for them to figure things out. Sonya has been trying for months with no results, but maybe if they all try together…" his voice trailed off for a moment, heavy lines of sorrow appearing on his brow. "If they manage it, I'll make sure she can come back—and I'll make sure that every single person who speaks out against her never utters another fucking word again."

That satisfied me enough to move on to the next question—which was an obvious one. "I guess we better start packing—when are we leaving?" I stood up, prepared to start immediately, knowing time was probably scarce. It never occurred to me that I might not be going, it was a given.

"You're not going Rose."

I stared at him, not comprehending what he meant. "Of course I am—I'm her guardian. Where she goes I go… and Dimitri's coming too. We can do split shifts and—"

"If you disappear at the same time as Lissa, they'll think you're the one who took her Rose. Look at your track record—you've done it before. They'll claim you've gone rogue and then send the guardians out after you, and they'll order them to shoot to kill. All it will take is buying off one person for a bullet to miss its target and hit Lissa too—you'd be giving them exactly what they wanted… free license to execute the Queen." He slumped down in his chair, not meeting my eyes. "As of this afternoon, you're no longer the Queen's guardian. You've been relieved of your duty—and Belikov has too."

I'd always suspected that when the bond had shattered, some of the darkness I'd carried had been trapped inside me, unwilling to let go of the hold it had on my soul, I'd just never been able to prove it. From time to time I could almost _feel_ it rolling around in my head, like a thick, dark pool of oil. I'd considered asking Adrian or Sonya to check my aura for traces of it, but I'd never followed through, afraid of what their answer might be. I found out that day that I'd been right—it had been inside me all along, waiting for the chance to break free. My father's words roused it instantaneously; it uncoiled from the place where it hid, roaring to life and fanning the flames of my anger into an all-consuming wave of black rage. I moved without thinking, launching myself across the desk and grabbing him by the throat, my pulse roaring in my ears as I pulled him out of the chair. In that moment, I was as insane as Lissa—and the only thought in my head was to destroy the man who was trying to take her away from me.

"ROSE!"

The stern, commanding voice hit me like a blow, propelling me back to Saint Vladimir's and our sessions in the gym. It was the voice of my lover, but in that moment it was the voice of my Mentor too, demanding my attention and respect with just a single word. It affected me in a way that nothing else could; I reacted instinctively, releasing my father as Dimitri's large hands spun me around to face him. His head ducked down, his eyes full of compassion and concern as they met mine, searching intently, as if he could feel the darkness that was still rolling around in my head. "Rose… the Lissa you knew is gone. I know it hurts you to hear that, and I hate to cause you pain, but this has to stop. You have to face the truth. Fighting with your father won't bring her back and neither will getting yourself killed on a raid. It's time to let go, Roza—she would want you to."

His touch soothed me, easing back the darkness until it retreated completely into wherever it was it hid itself away. I knew he was right, but that didn't make it any easier to accept. Leaning my head against his chest, I wrapped my arms around him, letting the warmth of his body center and ground me as I closed my eyes and tried to fight back the tears that threated to break free. "I know… but—"

"Roza… your being near her… it seems to make her fits even worse. I know you've noticed it—you've said as much to me on more than one occasion. Maybe it's because you were once bonded—I really don't know—but you need to stay away so she can have a measure of peace. Maybe it will help, and in time she'll find her way back. If you love her—and I know you do—you'll let your father do what he can to help her and keep her safe."

"You're right. I know it. I've known it for awhile… it just seemed wrong to… I don't know… give up on her. I kept hoping something would happen and I'd walk into the room and see _Lissa_ looking back at me instead of what she's become. _I miss her_, Comrade. So, so much."

His lips pressed against the top of my head as his arms tightened around me; he had lost his best friend too—for the second time in his life. "Shhh… I know you do dorogaya. I am not saying you should give up hope. If it wasn't for your hope and belief in miracles we wouldn't be where we are today. But it's time to let her go and move on. She wouldn't want you to throw your life away like this—she loved you too much for that."

I nodded, swiping away a tear that had escaped before stretching up to brush my lips against his. "You're right… thank you." My voice was a broken whisper that made me cringe internally; I hated sounding so weak, but it couldn't be helped any more than the question I had to ask Abe. It was something I had to know, the most important thing of all. 'Who are you going to assign as her guardian?"

"It's already been done. Go see for yourself and say your goodbyes Rose... and for what it's worth… I'm sorry. I know you don't see it now, but I'm trying to do what's best for everyone involved—especially for you and Lissa."

I didn't look at him—I was afraid that if I tried it would reawaken the rage and I'd end up finishing the attack that Dimitri had stopped. I knew it would be awhile before I thought of my father with kindness; no matter what his reasoning was, he was separating me from my best friend. I turned to go, waving off Dimitri's offer to accompany me, telling him to stay and help Abe out with whatever he might need to insure Lissa would be safe.


	4. Chapter 4

As I walked toward the medical bay, I tried to compile a list of candidates that I'd consider suitable replacements, but I kept coming up blank. The fact of the matter was that the only person I felt was good enough to keep my best friend safe—besides Dimitri and me—was Eddie, and I knew there was no way in hell that he'd ever leave Jill's side. I grew more and more apprehensive as I wound through the hallways, approaching the sealed ward where they'd stashed Lissa and Christian, knowing that whoever was standing guard was going to piss me off. There was no one I'd trust—not really—and with my recent attack on Abe, chances were high that I'd end up doing the same to whoever it was he'd commandeered to take my place at Lissa's side.

I was completely unprepared for the two people who stood at attention, stationed on either side of her door. I'm ashamed to admit that I never even considered them thought they were both experienced and in all honesty perfect for the job. Seeing them there, standing alert with fierce protective glares on their faces brought tears of relief to my eyes, easing back the tension that I'd been carrying with me since the moment I'd discovered that Liss had gone insane. From this moment on I might not be with Lissa, but she would be safe—and that was what really mattered.

Alberta saw me first, her expression softening as she reached over and nudged her partners arm, nodding in my direction. My mother looked up, her eyes widening as she saw me approaching, but the expression of surprise was replaced with one of bland indifference as soon as it appeared. I came to stop a few feet away, wiping my cheeks off with my sleeve as I gave them a hesitant smile. "So it takes two of you to replace me? I guess I should feel good about that, huh?"

"Four actually— Emil and Stan have the next shift." Alberta pushed away from the wall, her arms pulling me into a quick embrace. "Rose… I know how hard this is for you. I'm sorry." She stepped back, pushing a strand of hair out of my face and glancing over at my mother. "I need some coffee. Rose, stand in for me until I get back? If you can last that long without killing your mother—I know it's hard, I have to fight back the urge all day long."

"Oh get out with that!" My mother scowled at her, but she couldn't hide her amusement. "It's worse for me—I've got to listen to her bragging on you all throughout the day. You'd think you were her child and not my own."

My eyes flitted from one of them to the other, trying to take their good natured banter in stride as I moved to take up the position Alberta had vacated at the wall. My mind raced, trying to find something to say to my mother that wouldn't result in a screaming match, but I was coming up blank; even after two years of working on our problems, were weren't any closer to finding a solution.

"She's a good woman—she was my Mentor, you know." Her soft voice startled me, pulling me out of my head. "She's the reason I chose to send you to Saint Vlad's and not one of the other Academies. I knew that she'd look after you as if you were her own—and I was right. She was as worried about you as your father and I were when you disappeared—both times."

"I didn't know that… about her being your mentor."

"Aye—she's been my best friend ever since. Only woman I ever met who doesn't drive me batty with inane, meaningless chatter." She sighed, then cleared her throat, making me tense; I knew what she was going to say—and I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to pretend everything was okay for just a few minutes more. "Rosemarie… you can't blame Ibrahim for this… not entirely. We discussed it at great length, trying to find a way around everything, but really… this is the way it should be."

I didn't say anything, remaining completely focused on the cinderblock wall directly across from me as I tried to sort through my feelings. They were a jumbled up mess of conflicting things that I could barely understand, leaving me feeling shell shocked and empty. I was completely devastated at being replaced—guarding Lissa had been the main focus of my life for as long as I could remember. But at the same time, a tiny part of me felt… well, as horrible as it sounds, relieved. It was the same part of me that had always balked at the idea of giving up my life to serve the Moroi—the tiny, hushed voice in the back of my mind that always wondered what it would be like to live free of the constraints our society demanded. Normally I ignored it completely; my love for my best friend was more important than anything except my love for Dimitri, so I silenced the doubts when they surfaced and tried to pretend I never fantasized about Dimitri and I having a life that was completely our own. It made me feel horrible and guilty and selfish—just the way I felt now—whenever I dared to think such a thing.

"Rosemarie…. Look at me. Please."

I could feel her eyes on me, her penetrating, intense gaze making me shift uncomfortably before I reluctantly turned my head in her direction. The look on her face surprised me; it was compassionate, but it also held something I'd never seen her wear before—a look of sorrow and longing that didn't make sense, at least not to me.

"Like I said… your father and I have been discussing this for weeks—trying to decide what was the right thing to do. We know you'd gladly spend the rest of your life watching over her, but Rose… that's not what you should want. What happened to Lissa was horrible—but it has given you an opportunity you can't pass up. We knew you'd never chose it on your own…so we took away your options. I'm sorry for that, but it couldn't be helped. We knew there was only one way you'd ever agree to leave her—and even Alberta and the others agreed that it _had_ to be done. For once, we had to do what was best for _you. _ You've already given your life for her once by taking that bullet—and there was no way in hell we'd let you do it again."

I was shocked to hear that all of them had been in on this, and a little pissed off too. I was an adult and they were still acting like I was a novice, unable to make my own decisions. "Mom—"

"Please—let me finish. I've spent all week thinking about what I wanted to say and trying to summon up the courage to do it." Her emotions brought out her accent, making it so strong I had trouble understanding her. "I know I've been a horrible mother Rose. I tried to tell myself I was doing what was right, what would prepare you for a life of servitude, but even so… it was hard to do. I never showed you how much I loved you because I wanted to prepare you for the cold, hard reality that a dhampir faces from the moment they're born. A life where love and happiness are rare and fleeting, where you have to wall up your feelings and thoughts and ideas and put your dreams aside. I never visited you because it killed me to walk away from you that first day when I dropped you off at the Academy, and because seeing you reminded me of all the hopes and dreams I had that could never be. And also… as ugly as it sounds, I felt guilty too—for being selfish and bringing a child into the world knowing the horrible life I was condemning it to. This… me taking your place… it's my attempt to make up for all those mistakes I made in the past. I'm giving you a chance to be whatever you want to be Rose and to do whatever takes your fancy—because I do love you, more than you'll ever know…and I always have."

What she was saying echoed so many of the feelings I'd spent my life trying to ignore that it left me feeling even more adrift; I'd never thought my mother might regret the choices she'd made. She was always the pinnacle I'd aspired to be—the picture of a perfect guardian in every possible way. "If you hated the life of a guardian so much, why didn't you just quit?"

"Because she was afraid of what people might think… what they might say—the same way I was. Don't give me that confused look Rose—you know exactly what I'm talking about. Any dhampir woman who doesn't serve is a blood whore. That's what we're all brought up believing, anyway. It's another way the Moroi control us—perpetrating a myth that makes us feel like we _have_ to serve. It was a different time, when we were young, though still, there are things that need to change. Janine and I were both afraid of having people think that—about having them gossip behind our backs. We weren't as strong as you are in that sense. It was easier for us to ignore what we wanted than to face the scandal." Alberta nudged me aside, reclaiming her place as she passed a Styrofoam cup over to my mother. "You've proven that you don't care what anyone thinks time and time again, and now you have the chance to do what we couldn't—to be completely free."

"But I took an oath—I swore to protect the Moroi. I can't go back on my sworn word, and there's Dimitri to consider too. He loves being a guardian—before they let him back on the roster, it was killing him."

"Talk to him about it Rose—his answers might surprise you. And no one's saying you have to quit entirely—only if you _want _ to. We're just saying you shouldn't be shackled to standing outside a door guarding an insane charge for the rest of your life. Belikov doesn't have to worry about Christian either—your father has already assigned four of his men to keep watch—ones who don't give a shit if his parents went Strigoi or that his Aunt assassinated a Queen. All he had to do was mention how the Ozera boy had fought in the battle at Saint Vlad's and they were all clamoring to protect the fallen hero."

I glanced over at my mother, torn. My whole life I'd trained to protect Lissa; if I wasn't a guardian, what was I supposed to do? "I… I don't know. It's just all so sudden. And Liss—she's more than a charge to me."

"We know that Rose—we love her too. We wouldn't be here if we didn't." Alberta's calm voice soothed my ruffled nerves, just the way it had done when I was little and crying over a skinned knee. "When Tatiana proposed graduating dhampirs early and you spoke up… I was proud of you. Do you still feel as strongly about sending dhampirs out in the field before they've been properly trained?"

The change of subject confused me, but I answered automatically, without having to consider the question. "Of course I do. I know firsthand what it's like to make that first kill before you're ready. It's something I still think about sometimes on the nights I can't sleep."

Alberta studied me for so long that I began to fidget. "When we were all talking… someone made a suggestion. I think it's something you'd be good at and it would be a way of keeping your oath without sacrificing your freedom. Out of your graduating class… how many of the students do you think were really ready to enter the field?"

I thought about it for a moment, running over the others performance in the field experiments and their trials. Out the entire class, there were only two that I'd have trusted at my back in a fight. "There are only two I could say for certain. Eddie and Meredith. They were ready—Eddie proved it when we went to Vegas. The others knew the basics, but they were…" I struggled for the right word, relieved when she provided it.

"Green. Ready on paper but not in practice."

"Exactly. They would know what to do if they encountered a Strigoi, but I honestly don't think they understood exactly how fast and powerful they are. Hell, there were a couple of them that I'd say wouldn't survive a one on one attack. Maybe a few of the novices that went into the caves with us, but for the most part I think even they wouldn't be prepared since the guardians handled the majority of the fighting."

"What do you think about the idea of taking newly graduated guardians out on a real life version of the field experience they took as novices?"

"What, like following a Moroi around court? That's stupid—they already did it at the Academy."

Alberta's gray eyes rolled up to the ceiling. "Jesus—I'd forgotten that you're just as frustrating as your mother. On raids Rose—small, relatively safe ones that would give them experience fighting Strigoi before they went outside the safety of the wards with a Moroi. With experienced guardians leading the mission so they could show them how it's done—and save their asses if it looked like they were in trouble."

I stared at her a minute, stunned. It was a good idea—excellent even. Until a graduate really faced a Strigoi, we could never be sure that they'd react properly out in the field. I felt a flicker of excitement in the pit of my stomach—this could save lives. "I think it's fucking brilliant—why hasn't anybody done it before?"

"Language!" My mother shot me a look. "Tatiana wouldn't allow it. She didn't want to waste experienced guardians on what she referred to as '_basic training_'." Her grimace showed what she thought about the former queen's opinion. "Never mind the fact that the training might have ended up saving Moroi _and_ dhampir lives. There's also the fact that most experienced guardians won't leave their charges—so there hasn't been anyone to lead the raids."

"Then why even bring it up if it can't be—ohhhh." It took my tired brain a minute to catch on. "Me and Dimitri—you're thinking we could do it."

Alberta nodded, her lips twitching up at the corners. "Out of all the guardians on the roster the two of you have the most experience when it comes to Strigoi. And Dimitri has the added benefit of knowing how they think, so he can provide valuable insight about how they might react in certain situations."

I chewed at my bottom lip, turning the idea over in my head. They were right—in more ways than one. "I'll think about it. I don't know how he'd feel though about the whole Strigoi insight thing though… he's still trying to forget what happened." I shot Alberta a look of admiration. It was a hell of a plan—and if it worked out it would provide new guardians with an invaluable resource. "It really is a great plan. You should be proud of yourself."

"It's not my idea—it's Stan's. He's been talking about it since the day he joined the faculty at Saint Vlad's—and he's the one who pointed out that you and Dimitri were the only ones he'd trust to see it through. He wanted me to keep his name out of it because of the history between you—he didn't want you to refuse just because it was his idea."

I shrugged, rolling my eyes dismissively. "He made my life hell, but he also taught me a lot. And he's part of the reason I don't care what people think of me—his insults made me develop a thick skin to that kind of crap."

"Rose—it's getting late. I hate to break this up but if you're going to see Lissa, you need to do it now. Warren will be coming for her soon."

I looked over at my mother and nodded, my shoulders starting to stiffen with tension at just the thought of going inside. Taking a deep breath as I tried to mentally prepare myself, I brushed past them and punched in the code that would unlock the door. "Wish me luck—maybe this time she'll remember me."

Being around Lissa—seeing what she'd become—was something I'd never get used to. Her head jerked up as I entered the room, and my heart broke all over again. Her beautiful, pale hair was a tangled, matted mess, her fair skin riddled with still healing scars from the gouges she'd clawed with her nails before they'd begun to use four point restraints on her. Even heavily sedated—they gave her injections several times a day, a mixture of meds to block off her magic, heavily laced with Haloperidol and Olanzapine—she stirred, tugging at her restraints, agitated by my presence. I'm not going to lie—having my best friend glare at me with such blatant hatred hurt. Bad. But what hurt even more was knowing that around other people she behaved in a much more lucid manner. Don't get me wrong, she was still mad as a hatter, but she talked to them—even if it was just to demand her release and issue meaningless threats. I would have killed to have her speak to me—even if it was just a single sentence, but after the first couple weeks she'd switched to animal like noises whenever I was around.

"Hey Liss—sorry I haven't been in to visit. They've been keeping me away, hoping it would help you."

She growled, deep and low in her throat like a feral dog, trying to keep a stranger away. Ignoring the sound I moved over to the counter that ran along the far wall of the room, picking up a hair brush and moving slowly towards the bed. I was going to make the most of this visit, even if it meant pushing the boundaries we'd established during the time she'd been locked up. Normally I'd stay against the wall since the closer I was to her, the more enraged it made her; today… I just didn't care. Even if she broke loose and attacked me, I _needed_ to be near my best friend. I _had_ to take one last shot at bringing her back, no matter how much it hurt us both.

"They haven't been taking very good care of you, have they? Your hair is a mess. I'm just gonna brush it for you, okay? We can't have the queen looking like a bag lady." Again she tugged against the restraints, but she stilled as soon as I touched her hair. After a few seconds she butted her head against my hand, the way Oscar, our roommate's cat used to do when he'd wanted her attention. "Speaking of bag ladies, do you remember that old woman who used to hang out going through everyone's trash? When we lived in Seattle? How she used to curtsey every time you walked by… almost like she knew someday you'd be a queen."

As I carefully worked all the tangles free, I rambled on and on about anything that popped into my head, ignoring the way she'd jerk away from time to time, snarling a warning my way. I was pretending she was normal and it was just another day—the last one we'd have together in who knows how long—and I wasn't going to give up my fantasy, not even for a moment.

When her hair was smooth against her shoulders, I set the brush down and sat back, a little stunned when she turned her head and looked me in the eye. For a moment she seemed almost…normal… her green eyes focused and intent as they gazed into mine. "Lissa… are you… can you understand me?"

She didn't answer or even blink, just continued to study me.

"Liss—this is our last chance. They're taking you away from me—they've already assigned you new guardians. Please… if you're in there… say something. Give me a sign and I'll fight to stay with you." I could feel a hot tear slip free, trailing down my cheek, but I didn't wipe it away. I was afraid to move, afraid her eyes would dim and the little bit of Lissa that was staring back at me would vanish forever.

"Rose… Unfasten me."

Her voice was raspy and hoarse, almost painful sounding, but it filled me with hope. She'd spoken… to _me. "_Liss… I can't do that. You'll hurt yourself again."

Something flickered in her eyes, a hint of rage—but it was gone a second later. "I won't. I swear."

She seemed so normal that I was torn, wanting to do what she asked but unsure of how long her sanity would last. Glancing over my shoulder towards the door, I leaned forward, my fingers inching towards the nearest restraint. I was about to unbuckle it when her next words stopped me in my tracks.

"They're all here, you know. In my head. They talk to me. About _you_."

I froze, my eyes darting from the restraint at her wrist to her face, but her expression was unchanged, still eerily calm. "Who does?"

"All the people you've murdered. Mason. Victor. Even the Strigoi. And all the people Dimitri killed—you murdered them too. By not stopping him. They all hate you. They all want you dead just as much as I do."

My stomach knotted in agony as my hand fell away, leaving her shackled to the bed. "This isn't you Lissa—it's the darkness. You've got to fight it… I know you can."

"I don't want to. I want _more _of it."

My face was as expressionless as hers, my guardian mask hiding the horror I felt at hearing her say that. "You don't really mean that. I know you, Liss. You're sweet and kind and—"

"I'll get loose eventually." She interrupted me, completely ignoring what I'd said. "When I do I'm going to kill everyone. You… Dimitri… Christian. And that little bitch that claims to be my sister. She's dead too."

The matter of fact tone of her voice chilled me; in a way, hearing her like this was so much worse than the mad ramblings or the animalistic noises she usually made. "I can't let you do that… I _wouldn't _ let you do that. I'd stop you Lissa."

"Oh I know. That's why I have to kill you first—so you can't ruin my fun. Maybe after you're gone I'll drain your Strigoi boyfriend. Using a former Strigoi to Awaken would be a nice little ironic twist. Then I'll Awaken Christian too…or maybe not. Spending eternity with him would be unbearable."

Hearing her speak so casually about killing Dimitri made my own sliver of darkness stir inside me; it flickered images behind my eyes, hissing that I should stop her now—put her out of her misery. So easy to reach over and snap her neck or to use the stake at my waist. Fast and easy—Abe could cover it up… then we would _both _ be free.

I stood up, the metal legs of the chair screeching from the sudden movement; against my will, my hand drifted towards my stake, fingers brushing against the hilt. I struggled to push away the vision of ramming the weapon through my best friends heart—but then it abruptly shifted, blurring and fading away, replaced by the image of Lissa holding out her arms to embrace me, hugging me and holding me close, telling me she was fine. That we were together, always together and no one could ever separate us. It wasn't true—I knew it. I fought against it, but it was futile—I couldn't break free. Even in my dazed state I realized that there was something riding me, feeding off of the darkness, using it for added strength.

Compulsion.

She was in my head, pushing me. Controlling me. She'd focused her gaze long enough to seem sane so she'd could try and trap me… she'd sensed the darkness inside me and provoked me, waiting for my it to awaken. Knowing it would weaken my will and make me easy prey—then she'd made her move. Despite all the medication, she'd been able to do it—her powers had grown _that strong. _

I tried to shout for my mother, but all that came out was a strangled sounding shriek. I prayed they had heard it and would come to investigate and not just dismiss it as a noise Lissa had made, because I didn't know how long I could hold out—and at any moment she could change tactics, scrambling my brain the way she'd done with Christian.

"Let me go Rose. Unfasten me. You want to do it. I'm hungry… I need to feed."

I knew if I closed the distance between us that I would die; she would use me to turn Strigoi and then slaughter everyone in court. But hearing her voice, pleading with me—sounding so much like the Lissa I knew and loved made it impossible to resist. I moved closer, on the verge of giving in when the door opened behind me—but even that didn't break her spell.

"Rose? What are you—oh Christ! Ma!"

I let out a scream of frustration as I was jerked backward, fighting to try and return to Lissa's side as they drug me away from the bed and pinned me to the wall. "Rose! Snap out of it!" A palm cracked across my cheek, then again when I continued screaming. "Dose the Queen—double it, and hurry!"

I could hear Lissa calling me, telling me that she needed me, the despair in her voice making me try even harder to free myself. I bucked away from the wall, slamming my head into my mother's in an attempt to break free and go to my best friend. "She needs me… Mom—please. She's okay. She's Lissa again! Just look at her!"

"No Rose! She's not. She's showing you what you want to see darlin, twisting you up inside. Listen to me—if you go to her, she'll kill you the same way she tried to kill Sonya the last time she was here. We had to up her dosage—didn't realize she would adapt to the new amount quite so fast.. Won't be making that mistake again."

While she was speaking, a strange sort of lethargy crept through me—I stopped struggling, suddenly exhausted, then a moment later… I was me. Glancing over at the bed I saw Lissa had collapsed, her mouth slack and her head lolling back as the medication kicked in. "Mom? I… I'm okay."

"Aye… soon as she's unconscious the compulsion goes away."

"Need ta chain her up and put one o' those masks on her the way they did that fella in them movies if you ask me." Warren glanced over at us, scowling as my mother snapped something at him in Gaelic. "Sorry Rosie, but she ain't safe ta be around like this. Iffin they ain't gonna lock her up then they need ta take precautions or else they're gonna have ta put 'er down like a rabid dog."

His accent—like my mother's was so thick that I had to concentrate to understand him. "You're right… I had no idea she'd gotten so strong."

"Only reason they ain't done it is for fear of upsettin ya. Thought if ya saw her all chained up ya'd flip out on em." He nodded at Lissa's slack body, then glanced over at me. "Say yer goodbyes, lass. Got ta smuggle her to the old man's plane and then come back for the lad."

I approached the bed cautiously, truly afraid of Lissa for the first time in my life. In the past she'd done things that had scared me, but this time she'd awoken a deep rooted terror that I'd probably never shake. Bending down I pressed my lips against her forehead, jerking back as she shifted and moaned in her sleep. "Goodbye Lissy… I love you… and I'm sorry."

Warren scooped her up, throwing her over his shoulder, frowning as if he could sense the protest that I was about to make. "Safest way of carryin 'er. Iffin she comes to she's liable to bite. Better she sinks 'er fangs in me back then me neck." He reached out, stroking my cheek, his touch light and gentle. "Take care of yerself Rosie." His normally solemn face crinkling up in a fleeting smile before he turned to stride out the door. "Tell 'im I'm on me way—time fer a distraction."

"Let's hope it doesn't involve more explosives. I swear that man has the destructive streak of an eleven year old boy." Her fingers flew across the keypad of her phone, and even as dazed as I was I felt a twinge of envy at her speed in texting. "I'm sorry… we should have warned you. Told you to keep your distance."

I shrugged, rubbing my temples in an attempt to alleviate the throbbing headache I felt building. "I wouldn't have listened."

"Which is why I didn't say anything—if I had you would have done it just to prove a point." She shoved the phone in her pocket, leaning back against the wall as she looked around the room. "Do you understand now why we did what we did? Out of all of us… you're the one she'd use, Rose. You can't deny her—you never could."

"Yeah… I do. That doesn't mean I like it—but I get it." I hesitated for a moment, wanting to say more but afraid of what her reaction might be. "I think I still have some darkness in me, mom. I'm almost sure of it. She used it somehow… to break down my will."

"I know. Sonya told me, but she asked me not to mention it. She's seen it from time to time in your aura—usually when you're mad."

I nodded, a little relieved to finally have it confirmed. "I think that's why she always freaked out when I came in here… like she could sense it or something. Maybe that's why being around me made her worse." I leaned against the wall next to her, chewing at my bottom lip as I puzzled everything out. "It means that until she's normal again…_if_ she's ever normal… I can't be around her at all, not even to visit, can I?"

"No Rose… I'm sorry, you can't. It's too dangerous. For both of you." She reached over, smoothing back my hair. "That's why we keep saying you need to move on. Hope is a wonderful thing, but you can't live your like on _'what if' _. Sometimes we have to accept things as they are, no matter how much it hurts."

I closed my eyes, bumping the back of my head against the wall, thinking about how it had been with Lissa throughout the years. "I'll always love her… and I want you to swear to me that the moment she's okay, _really _ okay, you'll call me so I can come see her."

"Of course. And I'll go one further and swear that we'll look after her, just the same way you would."

"Thanks." I opened my eyes, pushing away from the wall. "I guess that's it then. I know you can't tell me where you're going… but keep in touch okay? I might not show it, but I still really need you in my life. I always have."

For once, I made the first move, wrapping my arms around my mother and dropping my head down to bury in her neck as I held her close. I'd never noticed how her hair smelled like some exotic, spicy perfume—Shalimar, maybe, or Opium; the realization made me smile. "Did Abe give you that perfume? It smells like something he'd pick out."

"Rose!" She pulled back, a blush rushing across her fair cheeks. "I'll have you know I bought it—I wouldn't accept anything personal from him!"

"Hey—you had his kid… that seems a little more personal than accepting a bottle of perfume." I grinned as I darted for the door, dodging the hand she'd raised to swat me with. "Love you mom—be safe."

Alberta was chuckling softly at what I'd said, but I pretended not to notice. "Could you call Alto for me and ask him to meet me at HQ?"

She smiled, reaching for her phone. "Does this mean you've made up your mind?"

"Yeah… I guess it does. I mean… I still have to talk it over with Dimitri, but I'd like to go over the logistics of everything first so I can have all the facts when we talk." I narrowed my eyes for a minute, remembering something that had been bothering me for quite a while. "Alberta… when I was on the run and you sat in on the meeting with Croft and Steele and they were interviewing Lissa and Christian and Tasha—Liss saw something in your aura… that you knew about me and Dimitri… I just wondered… um… how did you know?"

"Oh Rose." Her smile widened as she gave me a knowing look. "I probably knew it before you did. I may be old, but I'm not blind—all anyone had to do was look at the way you two lit up around each other."

I ducked my head, hiding my face behind my hair so she couldn't see me blush. "Guess we weren't as discrete as we thought."

"You couldn't be discrete if your life depended on it Hathaway. Now go on. I'll have Stan meet you there in say… ten minutes?" She made a shooing gesture with her hands, winking at me before she turned away.

The smile on my face faded as I walked away from her; it had served its purpose, convincing them I was okay. I wasn't—far from it. I was devastated. I guess I'd really believed I'd get another miracle—that I'd make some breakthrough with Liss and everything would be okay. Deep inside I'd still believed that if I wanted something bad enough and held on tight enough, I could make it happen by the sheer force of my will. But I couldn't—and facing up to that meant losing my best friend.

Shoving my hands into the pockets of my jacket, I wandered out into the cool night, thinking about everything that had occurred. I cut across the lawn, wanting to be closer to the statures and flower beds that Lissa had always loved so much, remembering the way she could talk for hours about the people the monuments honored. The ache I felt in my chest intensified, making it hard to breathe. It felt like a part of me was missing, and I knew that no matter how much time had passed, the hole her absence left in me would never go away. She was a part of me—just like Dimitri—and I'd never give up hoping and praying that somehow she'd regain her sanity and find her way back to me, but I also knew that everyone was right—it was time to let go.

I don't know what I stumbled over—an upturned root or maybe a dip in the ground that was hidden by the thick spread of grass, but I lost my footing, tumbling forward and hitting the ground with a thud. Cursing I pushed myself up on my hands—and that was when I spotted it. One lone weed against the expanse of perfect green grass—a dandelion that had gone to seed, what Liss had always called a 'wish weed'. My lips curled up in a smile as I remembered her at five years old, patiently explaining how I had to close my eyes and make a wish before I was allowed to blow. I plucked it, standing up, then closed my eyes and made a wish before blowing gently. I wished that she'd come back to me. That she'd be whole and well again—but most importantly, as I watched the seeds drifting off into the dark, I wished she would be at peace.

I'd always love Lissa and remember all the good times that we'd had, but I couldn't stop living—she wouldn't want me to.

Tucking the stem into my pocket I set out for Guardian Headquarters, feeling the burden I'd been carrying for such a long time ease with each step I took. My time with Lissa was over; I could finally admit it—and I accepted it. It was time to start the next chapter of my life—I just hoped it was a good one.


	5. Chapter 5

I beat Alto to the meeting—which was a nice change from the norm considering I could count on one hand the number of times I'd made it to one of his classes before the tardy bell had rung. Being on time was a pretty rare occurrence for me, and though I wasn't in the mood to gloat, his running late was too good an opportunity to pass up; I stored away the incident in my mind for use at a later date.

Always efficient, Alberta has also called Croft to warn him of my impending arrival; he was ready and waiting for me—and already knew exactly what I wanted to talk about. To my surprise, Hans was extremely receptive to the idea Alto had been trying to so hard to get approved and incorporated as a part of novice training; in fact, he already had a file folder of information on the proposal. I think that meeting was the first time he ever treated me as an equal; he was impressed with my decision to help future generations of guardians—and strangely enough, that meant a lot to me. He didn't even complain when I propped my feet up on his desk—something that would normally drive him up the wall.

While we were waiting for Stan to join us I leaned back in my chair, leafing through the pages he handed me; I recognized the handwriting immediately—I'd seen it often enough scrawled across the top of homework I'd turned in, usually with a nasty comment or two asking if I'd even bothered to crack open my text books. Past troubles aside, I had to admit that Alto was a brilliant tactician, and very thorough with the information he'd supplied. There was even a sketch of a prototype for a uniform, with notes about how each item would add a layer of protection that would benefit its wearer, and a breakdown of how much it would cost to have the items made.

"I hate to say it, but Stan's got some pretty good ideas. Guess maybe I _should_ have paid more attention to what he had to say in class—too bad he usually put me to sleep with his lectures." Glancing up at Hans, I was startled to him studying me with a look of pity on his face. "What's that look for?"

"I'm sorry about your loss. I know how much she means to you." His eyes dropped down to his hand—which was fiddling nervously with his coffee mug. "I wasn't always an administrator—I used to have a charge. She… died. So I know how it feels."

"Lissa isn't dead. Someday… she'll find her way back to us. But thanks—and I'm sorry about your charge. Was it Strigoi?"

"No."

"Sorry. Didn't mean to pry." I was curious, wanting to press him for information, but I knew how strongly Ivan's death had effected Dimitri, so I wasn't going to pry. His charge could have been a close friend, just the same way Dimitri's had been—which would make reliving the memories even more painful for him.

"She died in childbirth. We were… involved." His face was a mask, not giving anything away, but I saw the tension around his eyes as he spoke. "There were complications. My son didn't make it either."

Shit. Even worse.

I chewed at my bottom lip, unsure what to say; comfort and compassion weren't my forte. That's not to say I didn't feel the emotions—because I did—but expressing those feelings… knowing the right thing to say to someone… those were things I'd never learned to do. I don't know whether to blame it on the fact I was raised in an institutional environment or if it was just something I wasn't naturally programed to do—but either way, I was at a loss. "I'm sorry Hans. Really sorry."

"It was a long time ago." He pushed his chair back, scooping up his mug and heading towards the door, his head down as he crossed the room—probably hoping I wouldn't be able to see his mask of indifference slipping. "I'm going for a refill—need anything?"

"A Coke would be great—and I wouldn't say no to a doughnut if there are any left in the break room."

He paused at the door, turning to look at me, a sad smile turning up the corners of his lips. His grief was still peeking through, but I was pleased to see I could help ease the weight of it back a little—even if it hadn't been intentional on my part. "If there are, they'll have been sitting out for twelve hours Hathaway. Hope you don't mind if it's stale."

"A doughnuts a doughnut," I shrugged, shooting him a lopsided grin, "and I haven't eaten since before we left for the raid. As a matter of fact, I'll take a couple bags of chips too—if you don't mind hitting the vending machine on your way back."

I dug in my back pocket, producing a few crumbled bills, but he waved me off, rolling his eyes at the sight of the money. "The machine won't take those—I'll cover it for you. Next time it can be your treat."

Nodding my agreement, I returned my attention to the file in my hand, studying the lists of names that were stapled together in a stack. It looked like Stan had been sending in a compiled list of possible candidates out of each graduating class—even though to date no one had expressed any interest in his plan—writing out a brief summary of their qualifications. I was amazed to see that my name was on the top of the roster for my graduating class—and even more stunned to read the things he'd written pertaining to my skills.

_Out of all the novices I've encountered during my time as an instructor, Novice Hathaway shows the most promise. I have been monitoring her progress since she formally began her training to see if she had the same potential as her mother, and have not been disappointed—the girl is exceptional. She shows a dedication and focus that greatly surpasses that of her peers, and her dedication to the Dragomir Princess is remarkable—proving that she has understood the depth of sacrifice required to make a diligent guardian from a very early age. Sadly, her attitude remains an ongoing problem—it is the one thing I fear might end up holding her back from advancing through the ranks and obtaining the high ranking that her drive and determination deserve. Over the course of time that I've spent instructing her, I have learned that I have to constantly keep her on edge, pushing her in a way that some might construe as bullying in order to make her perform in a way that utilizes her potential; the crueler I behave the more it seems to stoke the fires of her perseverance—so the end result definitely justifies the means, no matter how deplorable I find my behavior. Since her return she has been working one on one with Guardian Belikov—and has improved and advanced to a degree that as unbelievable as it sounds, I can say with no qualms that I would trust her over most of the Guardians on the staff here at Saint Vladimir's. In addition, it appears that she has learned a measure of control from Belikov that—_

"You do realize I never meant for you to see that."

Stan's dry voice startled me, making me jump; the sudden movement threw my chair off balance, making it teeter for a moment, on the verge of tipping over backwards and spilling me to the ground, but thankfully he reached over, grabbing the arm to ease it upright. As the legs thumped down on the floor I glared at him, irritated that he'd been able to sneak in and claim the chair next to mine without my noticing it. "Jesus Alto—wear a damn bell or something."

"I said hello twice but you were too wrapped up in your snooping to notice." He slouched down in his seat, looking distinctly uncomfortable at being left alone in with me in a small, enclosed space.

"I wasn't snooping—Croft handed me the damned file. Which means he wanted me to read what was in it." I tapped the page with my finger, smirking as he winced. "So I was exceptional huh? You know maybe if you'd bother to praise me once in a while instead of acting like a jackass all the time—"

"I tried that before you went on the run, remember? You accused me of flirting with you." He snorted, rolling his eyes—as if the thought of anyone _wanting_ to flirt with me was ridiculous. "I found a method that worked and ran with it—and judging by how well you turned out I'd say I succeeded."

"Oh that's not arrogant. I'll have you know I learned more from Dimitri in a month than I learned from you in two damned years—"

"Talk about a loaded statement—I just bet you did. Tell me, how did he get you to pay attention? Did it involve taking of his shirt and flexing—or… _rewarding_ you for good behavior?" His voice dripped with sarcasm and innuendo, making me see red.

"What the hell are you implying? We never—"

"Sure you didn't. He just followed you around watching your every move because—"

"When you children are finished arguing, we can get the meeting started." Hans leaned down between us, holding out a fully loaded tray for me to take. In addition to the things I'd requested it held a burger from the café and a large slice of chocolate cake, making my mouth instantly start to water.

"Wow! Thanks Hans—you didn't have to go to all that trouble though." I grabbed the burger, biting into it, letting out a groan of delight. It was fixed just the way I liked it—juicy and loaded with mustard and onions.

"I didn't. Belikov brought it. He's in the staff room, trying to cool down before he joins us—you two were… talking rather loudly, and voices carry in this building." Hans gave Stan a pointed look, and I was pleased to see my former instructor pale at the implication Dimitri might lose his temper at the things he'd overheard.

"Hey that's great—Stan was just inquiring about Dimitri's teaching methods. Maybe you should go talk to him face to face instead of questioning me—I bet he'd _love_ the chance to explain things to you in person." I shot Stan a sweet smile, popping the tab on my Coke and nodding towards the door. "I'm sure Hans wouldn't mind waiting a few minutes before starting the meeting."

"Hathaway—" Hans began, only to be interrupted as Dimitri entered the room.

"Rose… Guardian Alto." Dimitri's face was calm, but his jaw betrayed his struggle to control his anger. Pulling up a chair he sank down gracefully, his lips twitching with amusement as he watched me devour my food. "Guardian Petrov called and advised me I should sit in on this meeting. She said something about it not being safe to leave the two of you alone together… obviously she was right."

"He started it." I jerked my thumb at Alto, popping the last bit of burger in my mouth and wiping my hands on my jeans. "All I did was ask a question about something I'd read in the file Croft gave me to look over."

Dimitri's faint smile faded as his dark eyes moved over to Alto; his expression shifted to one of cold contempt—and for a moment his face was the mirror image of the way he'd looked when he was a Strigoi. I was one of a handful of people who had seen that icy fury in his gaze and lived to tell the tale—so I understood exactly how hard he was fighting to control his temper. Judging by the way Alto shifted in his chair and dropped his eyes to his lap, he sensed that he was in serious trouble. "Yes… so I heard. Tell me Guardian Alto… exactly _what_ were you implying?"

Stan opened his mouth, his face bright red—but before he could respond, Hans smoothly cut him off, defusing the situation as he attempted to get the meeting back on track. "As amusing as this discussion promises to be, I'm going to have to ask you to refrain until _after_ we've finished with the business at hand, gentlemen."

"Of course Guardian Croft—my apologies." Dimitri bowed his head respectfully in the administrators direction before returning his gaze to Stan, all traces of regard fading away from his expression, though he did nothing to hide away the contempt he felt for our colleague. "We will… talk… later."

I licked the chocolate icing off my fingers, shoving aside the empty plate as I scooted the folder containing all the information in my boyfriend's direction. "Read up Comrade—we've got a lot to talk about."

Eyeing the chocolate fingerprints I'd left on the folder with amusement, he opened it, scanning the first page; a moment later his eyes drifted up to meet mine, full of barely concealed surprise. "This is what you want to do? To… teach?"

"I wouldn't call it teaching—more like giving them a life lesson they'll never forget. As soon as Alberta mentioned it I thought about that talk we had the day you helped me with my community service… remember?" I'd told him I thought the entire field experience was inadequate when it came to preparing us for the real world—and to my surprise, he'd agreed, saying that he'd learned more during his first year as a Guardian than he had in all his years of training. He'd even mentioned thinking that the novices field experience should actually take place in the field—which in essence was pretty close to what Stan's proposal would do if we put it into action.

"He _helped _you? With your _punishment?" _ Stan's outraged voice grated on my nerves—and obviously it had the same effect on Dimitri, judging by his response.

"Stan—shut up." His eyes never left mine, warm, despite the harsh tone in his voice as he put Alto in his place. "What I chose to do with my free time is of no concern to you—and I shouldn't need to remind you that she was being punished unfairly. It was Mason Ashford's ghost that made her falter—not any hidden scheme to circumvent guarding Christian Ozera."

I reached over, touching his hand, more interested in knowing what he thought about the proposal than having him defend me against things that had happened in the past. "I really want to do this—but only if you're on board with it. We're a team—so if you'd rather be assigned another charge then I'll just sign up to be a Guardian here at Court. I just… I can't take on another Charge, Dimitri. Even if it's not official… I'll always be Lissa's Guardian. I understand what's happened up here," I pointed to my head, then let my hand drift down to rest over my heart, "but in here… I can't let go."

His only response to my statement was a smile—that devastatingly beautiful smile that still makes my heart race and a flock of butterflies take flight in my stomach—then he nodded, his guardian mask slipping back into place as he returned the folder to the desk and turned his attention to Hans. "She's right—we do have a lot to discuss… but the most important question, I think," his hand slipped over, fingers entwining with mine, "is… when can we start?"


	6. Chapter 6

**Warning: Romitri sexy time in this installment—don't read if you are underage.**

***Unedited/unproofed**

* * *

As far as I was concerned, once Dimitri agreed, the rest of the meeting _should _have wrapped up pretty quick; after all, there wasn't really much more for us to discuss. Until the council gave us the green light to proceed, it was pointless to fine-tune the details; talking about things like how it would affect our pay or whether we'd tour the Academies to view the potential candidates could wait until we knew for certain that the program would be put into play. Stan was overly skeptical, which was understandable since he'd spent years having his proposal turned down time and time again, but he was forgetting one very important thing—this time we had someone in our corner with the power to say _yes_ and the finances to grease the palms of any council members who might balk at the idea. Abe wasn't above bribing people to get what he wanted, and I was confident I could get him to do just that, but first I had to convince him the project was worthwhile.

I couldn't stop myself from shifting in my chair impatiently; part of my frustration was due to my nature—I didn't see the point in talking an issue to death once a decision had been made. I wanted action, not dull endless meetings that bored me to tears and left me fidgeting in my chair. While the three men sat there discussing the merits of different brands of body armor, I was slowly losing my mind, tired of being trapped in the hot, stuffy office that reeked of whatever the cheap cologne was that Stan apparently had the bad taste to bathe in. Mind you—that was only a small part of the reason I was restless; the other reason—a huge one, six foot seven, to be exact—was sitting in the chair to my right, holding my hand and absentmindedly tracing soft patterns on the inside of my wrist with his thumb as he talked to the others. When you paired that with the protective, imperious way he'd acted towards Stan, it really wasn't a surprise that I could barely focus enough to follow their conversation.

Of course, even if we'd been alone in the office, I would have done my best to hide away what I was feeling—Dimitri and I are open and honest about everything, but I'm the one beside him at night when he cries out in his sleep, haunted by the memories of what happened in the past. My reaction wasn't something I could explain to him; I couldn't tell him that when he gets like that… it just… flips a switch inside me, instantly awakening a part of me that I try to pretend doesn't exist. It's something I refuse to acknowledge, even to myself, because facing it would mean admitting that something was truly, deeply wrong with me—something that couldn't be fixed—because the truth is there are certain… things in my past that sort of rewired a part of my brain. Usually I can ignore it, but then something happens—like Dimitri acting aggressively towards Stan—and it comes roaring to the surface, making it incredibly hard to pretend that everything about me is normal and okay. I hated the fact Dimitri had been a Strigoi and how it had affected him—but no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that the feelings I'd had for him during the time he'd been Awakened were wrong and unnatural, the truth is that seeing that cold look on his face and hearing the note of superiority in his voice when he snapped at Alto made me remember how it had been between us. The protective, possessive way Dimitri had treated me in Russia had been almost as addictive as his bite—and the memories made my desire for him flare to life with an intensity that left me practically _aching_ to have him inside me. I knew it was wrong to react that way, hell, I've known it for a long, long time—ever since I was locked inside that room with my body entwined around his, begging him to take me. I suspect if Dimitri knew how strongly those memories affected me he would hate it, but despite all my efforts to get past my reaction to that darker, uncontrolled side of him that had been freed when he was a Strigoi… it's just… impossible. It has embedded in my brain, and I have a feeling that it's a permanent part of me that will never, ever go away, no matter how much I might want it to.

I shifted again uncomfortably, mentally cursing my body; it had a mind of its own, ignoring my brain's insistence that this wasn't the time or place to be reacting to Dimitri. It left me struggling to control myself, unable to satisfy the urges I felt—urges that were growing stronger by the minute. Unconsciously, I tightened my grip on his hand, drawing his attention; he glanced over at me, then did a double take, his brow wrinkling with concern.

"Rose… are you alright? Your face is flushed." He released my hand, pressing his palm against my cheek to see if I felt feverish.

"Just a little hot in here… too many layers." As far as excuses went it was lame, but I couldn't exactly blurt out the real reason—and it was at least _partially _true. The thick wool turtleneck and leather jacket I'd worn on the raid had kept me warm and given me extra layers of protection against getting bitten, but they were definitely too much to be wearing indoors. Even more so when you took into account that Hans had a space heater running to ward off the chill that often hung in the interior of the old building that housed his office.

Unfortunately for me, Dimitri is a living, breathing lie detector—at least where I'm concerned. He tipped my chin up with his long fingers, forcing me to meet his eyes; as soon as our gazes locked, the corners of his mouth twitched up in a small, smug little smile that let me know he could tell _exactly_ what was wrong with me. "I think you've overexerted yourself today—too much happening and not enough sleep." He glanced over at Hans, giving him an apologetic look. "We haven't had a chance to rest since returning from the raid. I think perhaps we should wrap this up and continue at a later date—I need to get her home and into bed."

"I just bet you do," Stan muttered under his breath, forgetting for a moment that our hearing was just as enhanced as his.

I fought back a groan; my control was already at its breaking point—and I knew it was about to get shattered into smithereens and there wasn't a damn thing I could do to stop it.

A muscle in Dimitri's jaw twitched; he turned towards Stan, every part of him completely focused and intent on the man beside me as he cocked his head, studying him like he was a bug that was about to be crushed underneath his shoe. "In Siberia we have an old saying—if you poke an angry tiger , use a spear and not a stick… do you understand what that means Alto?"

I'll give Stan credit—he didn't flinch, though his face went pale under the scrutiny of Dimitri's gaze. "Uh—no. Not really."

"It means you are a fool. An intelligent man would not goad me—he would wisely remember that everything I've been through has left my control… weakened." That note of coldness was back in his voice, his handsome face almost expressionless—except for the look of anger that was burning in his dark eyes. "I've always thought you were a bully but I never thought you were a coward—not until now. Your taunting me like this, confident you are safe because you do so in Guardian Croft's presence reminded me of something I'd forgotten… how you ran away with your tail between your legs and left me to die in that cave."

"Now wait a minute! I didn't—"

I couldn't remain silent, my own anger flaring to life as the memory of that night slammed into me. It overrode my desire, shoving it aside and replacing it with a rush of red fury that was so strong I had to grip the arm of the chairs to keep from attacking him. "You did—and you and my mother fought to keep me out of the cave when I wanted to go back and help him. Everything he suffered through… all the people that died—a portion of the guilt he carries belongs to you and me and every single person who abandoned him."

When I said I shared the guilt, Dimitri flinched, tearing his eyes away from Stan; the cold look on his face faded away, softening as he gazed down at me. Hearing that I felt responsible apparently eased his anger back, at least enough so that he was more concerned with comforting me than with putting Stan in his place. "Rose—"

"You don't think I know that? You think it doesn't eat at me like acid, day after day? That it doesn't keep me up at night?" Stan interrupted him, his voice so low I almost couldn't hear it; his eyes dropped down to the floor as his cheeks flushed with humiliation. "You were more of a Guardian that day than any of us Hathaway—ready to charge back in and fight to your dying breath to protect him all on your own—and that's a hard thing to face. Then you went off hunting for him alone—you… a novice… and not one of us followed after you. We should have—all of us should have. It was _our_ responsibility, but we let you do it, pretending you'd just run off again and were out there having fun."

My anger vanished as I stared at him; my hand reached out for Dimitri's, squeezing it so tightly that my grip was almost painful. I was hanging on to him as if I were afraid he would slip away again, but it couldn't be helped; in that moment I was transported back to that day, reliving the crippling sense of loss that had left me empty and aching and on my knees in the chapel trying to barter with God, begging him to save Dimitri, no matter what the cost—but my prayers hadn't been enough. "I made him a promise… I had to see it through."

Stan leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. In that moment he looked… defeated, something I never imagined I would see. "I wasn't asking why you did it Hathaway—I was trying to explain that sometimes… the truth makes people bitter. It's easier to lash out at the people who remind you of your shortcomings than to face cold, hard reality of your own actions."

I glanced over at Dimitri, understanding the compassion I saw in his eyes as he looked at Stan—I felt it too; I knew what it was like to have guilt pressing down on you so much that it was like a lead weight—in a weird way it could be even more draining than actual physical exertion. I had more than my own share, not only over leaving Dimitri in the cave, but about what happened with Adrian too. "I know what you mean… it just builds up and builds up until something slips out without your realizing it until it's too late."

Dimitri slid his arm around my shoulder, dragging me—chair and all—closer to his side; the fact he was so obvious about needing me closer to him was a clear indication of just how upset he was about the conversation—we usually tried to keep things more professional when we were on duty. His head dropped down, his voice soft in my ear when he spoke. "Did he really keep you from coming back into the cave that night?"

I nodded. "He and my mom did. She even smacked me—but I'll admit I might have been the tiniest bit hysterical at the time."

Stan made a snorting sound, shaking his head. "That's the biggest understatement of the year."

I scowled in his direction and was about to snap at him, but the sound of Hans clearing his throat startled me before I could speak; I think it's safe to say that in the heat of what had been happening, I wasn't the only one who had completely forgotten he was in the room with us. "I think we're _all _overtired, and the situation with the queen has had everyone on edge for weeks. I propose we agree that what happened here tonight does not leave this room; we'll resume this meeting later in the week when we're all rested and clear headed." He eyed each of us in turn before standing up to indicate the meeting was over. "Hathaway, Belikov, get some rest—and don't worry about writing up your statements on the raid right away; you can give them to me at the next meeting. Alto, I'd like you to stay behind for a few minutes to go over the budget you outlined on page forty three—I think there's a serious discrepancy in your estimated price on Kevlar."

"I haven't revised it since last year, so I'm sure the cost has gone up." Stan hesitated for a moment, then shrugged. "I won't be available later in the week—I've accepted Mr. Mazur's offer to join his roster. I'll be leaving Court tomorrow to guard one of his estates. Besides, you don't really need me around to finalize things. I trust Hathaway and Belikov to handle things from here."

Hans frowned, studying my former instructor for a moment. "I'd like to know your reasoning for going into private service—but that can wait…for now. Hathaway… Belikov… you're dismissed."

Dimitri stood, nodding his head at Hans before reaching down to help me to my feet; the gesture wasn't necessary, but I appreciated it. Eager to escape, I was at the door, my hand on the knob before I realized he wasn't beside me; I turned, watching him as he reached down, clasping his large hand onto Stan's shoulder. "Putting the safety of the novices first that night was the right thing to do—and I owe you my gratitude for keeping her from returning to my side that night. Had she been there with me she might have been turned too… or else I might have harmed her when I first awoke and the thirst was beyond my control."

Alto closed his eyes for a moment, his shoulders tense; I was willing to bet he was trying to fight back the urge to respond with one of the sarcastic replies he always seemed to have on hand. "Belikov.. for what it's worth… I'm sorry we left you. If I could do it all over again I would've come back for you—procedure be damned."

Dimitri's face was in profile, but I could see the thoughtful expression he wore as he considered what the other man had said. "As horrible as that time was for me, good came from it in the end. Now we know about restoration, so we can save others who have been changed against their will." He turned to join me, but hesitated for a moment, then leaned down closer to Stan, his voice so low I had to strain to overhear what was being said. "My sins are my own Stan—no one else's. You can't let what happened consume you. I almost let the guilt take away the most important thing in my life… let it go, my friend, before it destroys more than just your peace of mind."

He didn't wait for Stan to respond, instead moving to steer me out the door. Neither of us spoke as we made our way out of the building, but despite the emotional landmines we'd been dealing with, it was still a comfortable silence. It's always like that between us—there's no need to fill the air with meaningless chatter when the two of us are so in sync that entire conversations can pass between us with nothing more than an exchanged glance. As we walked our arms brushed—an unconscious gesture, but one that happens all the time, as if our bodies are driven by the need to be close, no matter what the circumstance; I reached down, lacing my fingers through his, earning a soft smile and a kiss pressed against my temple in response.

"What I said to Stan… it goes for you too. You shouldn't feel guilt about that night—even back then… when I was… that _creature…_ it mattered to me, knowing you were safe… I knew it shouldn't matter…." His voice trailed off as he frowned, then his shoulders twitched in a graceful shrug. "It was important that you were alive."

I didn't want to think about it—remembering how he'd tried to protect me from the others might set me off again, and this time I knew I wouldn't be able to control myself. Shoving open the door with my free hand, I walked out into the brisk, chilly night air; it was a welcome relief after being trapped in the hot, stuffy office for so long. "Sun will be up soon."

Ignoring my comment, he tugged gently at my hand. "Do you want to tell me what that was about back there?"

I pretended not to hear the note of teasing in his voice, acting like I didn't catch his meaning. "Stan is an asshole—nothing new about that."

"That's not what I meant and you know it Rose."

I shot him an embarrassed look, not wanting to admit that my body had overridden my brain. "I was a little… distracted."

"By?"

"You—what else?"

He chuckled; the low sound of his amusement sending tingles down my spine "I was unaware my discussing body armor had that affect on you… I'll have to keep that in mind for future reference."

"Yeah… that was it. I was imagining how good you would look with no shirt and a Kevlar vest—you know I'm a sucker for your biceps." I should have just kept my big mouth shut; he caught the lie—just like he always did. I felt his eyes on me, but I refused to glance his way.

"Rose… look at me."

I kept walking, my eyes dropping to the path, ignoring his request—unfortunately Dimitri can be just as stubborn as I am. There was no way in hell he would let it go that easily; he stopped walking, tugging at my hand insistently. "Tell me the truth—I can tell whatever it is… it bothers you."

I sighed, still unable to meet his eyes. "Do you really want to get into this now? After everything we just went through? Cause I promise… you're not gonna like my answer."

He didn't respond right away, so I risked a glance up at his face; I could tell he was replaying the scene in Hans' office in his head, trying to pinpoint exactly what it was that had set me off. "Look, can we just let it go for tonight? Please? I really am tired and—hey!"

Without warning he started walking again, jerking my arm—hard. I had no choice but to start walking too—it was either that or risk getting my shoulder dislocated, and I really didn't want anyone to see me being pulled along behind him against my will like some sort of misbehaving child.

"Comrade… stop. Seriously!"

He ignored me, veering off the path leading us in the completely opposite direction from our apartment; a few minutes later he tugged me into the shadowy darkness of the trees that were scattered around the perimeter of Court in thick, dense groves. "Dimitri—what the hell?"

He moved so fast it startled me, dropping my hand to grab my shoulders, slamming my back up against the nearest tree. "I'm going to ask you one last time _Roza—_ what was it that had you wiggling around in your chair, trying to ease the hot ache between your thighs?"

His voice was cold and arrogant, causing things low in my body to tighten; I tried to answer him, but all that came out was a pleading little whimper—and to my intense surprise… it seemed to please him immensely.

"I thought so." The iron grip on my shoulders fell away as he moved closer, pinning me up against the tree with his muscular body; I closed my eyes, resting my head against the rough bark of the tree, waiting for him to begin lecturing me on how wrong my reaction was—but he completely shocked me. Talking—to put it bluntly—seemed to be the furthest thing from his mind. My eyes shot open as he roughly shoved up my sweater, his head dropping down so his lips could trail across the top of my breasts. "Mine. You are mine, Roza, and no one else's. Say it."

"I'm yours." It came out a breathy whisper, my voice hitching as his teeth grazed the raised scar from Tasha's bullet that lay between my breasts.

"What was that? I couldn't quite hear you… you'll have to speak up." He bit down gently, not hard enough to hurt, but just enough to make me fight back a moan of pleasure.

"I'm yours!" It came out louder this time, though it took me a minute to remember how to speak.

"Very good." His hand shoved the cup of my bra down, his tongue darting out to swipe across my nipple; I moaned, my back arching away from the tree as he repeated the gesture on my other breast, his hand sliding down to pop the button on my jeans.

"Dimitri—"

"Quiet!" He pulled back, glaring down at me, and I understood the unspoken threat in his gaze; if I didn't do exactly as he asked, he wouldn't give me what I needed—he would withhold sex the same way he'd done back when we were in Russia.

I bit down hard on my bottom lip to keep from making a sound; he rewarded me for my obedience, his mouth returning to my breast. Alternating between the two, his teeth grazed one nipple while the calloused pad of his thumb teased the other, driving me completely wild—making me fight to remain silent. It was hard, but I didn't so much as whimper, not even when he popped the button on my jeans, sliding his hand inside to shove my panties out of the way. Staring down at his face, I watched his eyes darken with lust as his fingers brushed against me, his lips curving up in a self-satisfied smile as he felt how aroused I was from everything he'd done. I won't lie—the fact he had let go of his inhibitions and acting the way he was _outside_ was a pretty big turn on too.

His mouth abandoned my breasts, crushing down on mine so hard that my teeth dug into my lip—but I didn't care one little bit that they'd end up bruised and swollen; all that mattered was his hungry mouth on mine, our tongues brushing against each other, mimicking the movements our bodies would soon make. A long finger pushed slowly inside me, his palm pressing against me in a way that shattered my resolve to remain silent, tearing a moan from somewhere deep inside me, his mouth muffling the sound.

"Quiet Roza… we don't want to attract attention." He added another finger, sliding them in and out of me—so slowly that I thought I was going to lose my damned mind—making my hips arch forward against his hand demandingly. The motion earned a low growl of pleasure from him, but a moment later, it turned into a sound of pure frustration when he realized there was no fast way to get rid of my jeans.

"This is why you need to wear more dresses—or at least skirts. If you did, it would be so much easier for us to steal a few moments together."

Unsure if I was allowed to speak, I slid my hand down to caress him. "If I wore skirts to work would you sneak me away and bend me over the conference table during the day?"

His breath hissed out, his hips thrusting against my hand. "Or over a chair… or a desk… Would you like that my Roza? My taking you during our breaks?" His lips traveled down the side of my neck, his teeth grazing the knotted scar tissue that was hidden away beneath my skin. He pulled his hand out of me, ignoring the sound of protest I made. "Take off your boots. Hurry."

I did as he asked, kicking them off and sliding my jeans down my legs, watching as he unfastened his pants, shoving them down so forcefully that his boxers slid away too. Unable to resist, I reached out, needing to feel his harness pressed against my palm, but he batted my hand away, giving me a look of warning. "Please Dimitri… I want to—"

"No." He grabbed me, hands closing around my waist as he lifted me to make up for the distance in our height; staring into my eyes he brushed himself against me, teasing me as my legs would around his waist, trying to draw him in. He wasn't willing to comply… not right away, anyway. "Good things come to those who wait Roza—haven't you learned that yet?"

I huffed, thrusting my hips forward, rubbing up against him; I'm not ashamed to admit I was practically trembling, needing him to shift his hips and slide inside me so much that I was aching. "Please Dimitri… I need you. Now."

I'm not sure whether my pleading did it, or if it was the movement of my wetness against him, but whatever the cause, he complied, flexing his hips and pushing inside me so suddenly that my head fell back, slamming into the tree. I moaned out his name as my body tightened around him, my fingers tugging the band from his hair so they could tangling in the silky strands.

"Open your eyes Roza—look at me."

My eyes shot open, locking with his for a moment before his mouth found mine, our lips moving together the same way our bodies did. He moved slowly, torturing me, but when I arched forward to meet his thrusts, his fingers tightened, digging into my hips as he increased his speed, his body pounding into mine with much more force than he normally allowed himself to use. I was so aroused that I could already feel the pressure that had been gathering in my abdomen growing stronger, like a rubber band being stretched tighter and tighter, just waiting to be snapped.

Here's a little known fact that I've learned—people often joke about men losing their ability to think when they're aroused, but the same thing goes for women to… or at least, it's that way for me. It felt like all the blood in my body had drained away from my brain, rushing to the spot where our bodies joined together; I could actually feel my pulse racing between my legs with every powerful thrust of his hips.

He let out a hushed stream of Russian as he sped up the movement of his body even more; I caught my name and the word love, and those two things combined with faster pace pushed me higher, the pressure reaching the point that I knew satisfaction was within reach. "I love you Dimitri." It was a whisper against his mouth; he pulled away from my kiss, his lips trailing along my neck, his tongue darting out to swipe along my skin.

And then… he bit me.

The press of his teeth against my scars set me off like a firecracker on the Fourth of July; my body clenched around him, my climax roaring through me so strongly that I swear I saw stars. I dug my nails into his shoulders, writhing against him, the movement of my body making him groan out my name. He shifted, sliding his arms underneath my legs; it changed the angle of his thrusts, making them deeper, the length of him brushing against me in a way that had me panting and clinging to him as I cried out his name over and over again. His voice joined mine, murmuring how much he loved me, then his mouth was against mine, our muffled sounds of pleasure silenced with a kiss that stole my breath away; a moment later the feeling of his own climax warming me insides set me off all over again, leaving me twitching and trembling against him.

He buried his face in my neck, struggling to catch his breath "I swear you will be the death of me woman."

"But what a way to go." I pressed my lips against his shoulder; he chuckled in response, the movement making me tighten around him even more. It sent aftershocks of pleasure racing through my body that made my breath catch in my throat and left me shuddering against him. "I'm sorry… I know that must have been hard on you."

"Harder on you, I think." He laughed softly, running his fingers through my hair. "If it wasn't then I must be doing something wrong."

I smiled, shaking my head, throwing the words he'd said to me earlier back at him. "That's not what I meant and you know it Comrade."

His mouth found mine in a sweet, soft kiss, then he pulled back enough to look me in the eye. "Roza my love, sometimes I think I understand the way your mind works better than you do. You've been feeling ashamed, yes? You shouldn't."

"But the way I feel… it's wrong." I frowned, tracing my fingers along his jaw. "And you shouldn't have to act like that just because it pushes my buttons… it's not right. I know you hate being reminded of that part of your life."

He sighed, resting his forehead against mine. "Did you ever stop to actually think about _why_ you react that way?"

"Because… I'm a fucked up mess?"

"Roza… it was the first time you really saw me let go. Even in the cabin I tried to maintain some control… but when I was a Strigoi, I felt no restraint… no remorse. For months you dealt with my fighting against you every step of the way, telling you this… us being together was wrong. Tell me… did you spend all that time imagining what it would be like if I didn't control myself around you? Then you thought I was gone forever… maybe I'm wrong, but I think that when you found me in Russia… you overlooked what I had become because deep down a part of you realized you finally had the me you had been wanting for such a long time—a me that didn't care about rules or what was right or wrong. One that would always put you first, before any oath to the Moroi."

I thought about what he said, tracing his bottom lip with my finger. It made sense—in the weird, convoluted way so many of my own theories often did. "But what about the biting? I _like _when you bite me… in fact… I love it."

"Lots of people like being bitten dorogaya." He trailed his teeth along my neck, then pressed his lips against my skin. "I think it's not so much about the feeding as it is about being…claimed. Tell me… does it excite you to think about Lissa biting you?"

The endearment made me smile as I considered what he said. "No. I mean I used to miss the endorphin rush when we first got back to the Academy… but it's not the same kind of feeling I get when I think about you biting me. With her it was just the high… But with you… it's so much more… it's tied to loving you and the things we used to do together in Russia." I could feel my face flushing, but I forced myself to continue. "But I don't want you to do it just to make me happy. Not if it makes you uncomfortable."

"You enjoy it Roza… so I will find a way of coping with any memories it stirs up. I can honestly say that your reaction to my doing it… it makes it easier to put the past out of my mind and focus on the present. It's hard for the guilt to take hold when I'm buried deep inside the woman I love."

"Are you sure? I wouldn't want—" My voice trailed off as a sound caught my attention; I cocked my head, straining to see if it came again.

"Rose? What's wrong?"

"Shh… I heard something…" The sound came again, closer than it had been the first time; this time Dimitri heard it too, his eyes widening as he realized what it was—at the exact same moment I did.

Static from one of the hand held radios the Guardians used while patrolling the grounds.

Dimitri shifted, sliding out of me, carefully lowering me to the ground. "Get dressed… hurry."

I yanked my jeans on, wincing at the way the leaves that littered the ground crackled underneath my feet, then tugged on my boots and jerked my sweater down, my cheeks flushing bright red as a voice drifted towards us from somewhere nearby—apparently I'd been a little bit louder than I'd thought.

"Jespersen checking in—I swear I heard a woman crying, but there's still no trace of anyone. Should I keep looking?"

"Affirmative—better safe than sorry. I'll send Moreland out to join you—you'll cover more ground that way."

Dimitri reached out, drawing me close to him, his head ducking down to whisper in my ear. "This would be one of those times all those laps I made you run comes in handy Roza. Now run!"

I didn't question him; holding onto his hand, I ran as fast as I could, though I couldn't stop a giggle from escaping. I'd remember to thank him later—not for all the laps he'd made me run, though they certainly did help us escape an embarrassing situation. Instead I'd thank him for erasing my fears and making me understand the things that had been troubling me for such a long time, and for understanding the way my mind worked in a way that no one else could—including me.


End file.
